Spare the Rod: The Heart of the Matter
“Spare the Rod…”
[Reprinted from Gentle Parenting: A Christian Perspective due to be released in 2014; Two Thousand Kisses a Day: Gentle Parenting Through the Ages and Stages by L.R.Knost now available on Amazon]
One of the hot-button issues when it comes to discipline and children is spanking, and the more Christian and conservative the audience, the more hot the debate becomes. And yet there are no verses in the New Testament that support spanking, smacking, whipping, or otherwise hitting children.
In the Old Testament there are a total of five verses that have been interpreted to encourage, or even command, the use of physical punishment on children. All five of those verses are in the book of Proverbs.
There have been many books, papers, articles, etc. written debating the interpretation of those verses, so I won’t take the time to go into the linguistics other than to mention that the word translated ‘child’ and ‘children’ in those Old Testament verses, when literally translated, means ‘young man.’ (Note: This is not a translation error, simply a language barrier in that, while the original languages of the Bible~Hebrew, Aramaic, Greek~have many words for the same thing, each with a different specific meaning, in English we just have one word for child, so that one word must suffice for my ’small child,’ my ’adolescent child,’ my ’young adult child,’ etc.) So a very literal interpretation of the Bible in those verses means that when a young man stubbornly refuses all other corrective measures, then the punishment of the culture at that time was a lashing. So, applying these scriptures tochildren is not in line with a literal interpretation. It would actually make more sense to apply them to the disciples!
The main issue, though, that seems to get lost in the debate is that Jesus brought grace and mercy as His methods and message for a reason. The purpose of the law in the Old Testament was to highlight the need for a Savior because man simply cannot live perfectly.
Jesus came to fulfill the outward requirements of the law that highlighted man’s sinful nature and replace them with an inner heart change. He demonstrated in many ways that the law (outer governance and control through fear of punishment) was no longer to be a rigid yoke with its heavy burden of cleansing and rituals and sacrifices and punishments, but instead was to be a kingdom of the heart, of mercy not sacrifice, because the sacrifice was Himself!
Jesus stopped the people from stoning the prostitute (which was a command in the Old Testament).
He healed people and traveled on the Sabbath (punishable by death in the Old Testament).
He consorted with ‘sinners’ and ate with them (despite the commands in Proverbs, the same book in the Bible with the ‘rod’ scriptures).
He showed again and again that if we accept Him as our Savior, we are called to be “ministers of a new covenant—not of the letter but of the Spirit; for the letter kills, but the Spirit gives life.” (2 Corinthians 3:6)
We accept that Jesus brought a new and better way, a way of the heart (“Not on tablets of stone
but on tablets of human hearts.” 2 Corinthians 3:3b), but don’t seem to want to acknowledge that better way with our children.
We accept God’s grace and forgiveness for ourselves, but often don’t share those gifts with, and model them for, our children.
But we are our children’s first taste of God. Is it any wonder people have such a hard time understanding grace and mercy and unconditional love when they may not have been taught those things by their earthly parents and don’t exercise them with their own children?
Through Jesus’ sacrifice, He tore open the veil dividing man from God and brought a new kingdom, a kingdom of inner governance through the Holy Spirit who’s fruits are “peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control.” Nowhere does Jesus say to follow Him except when it comes to our children. He doesn’t say to offer grace and mercy and forgiveness to everyone except our children. The Bible doesn’t tell us to show the Fruit of the Spirit to everyone except our children.
If we truly believe that, based on five verses in the Old Testament that may not even be interpreted correctly, we are being disobedient to God’s commands if we don’t spank our children, then we must take that belief and walk it out fully.
In other words, if we must obey that supposed command, then we must obey all the other commands such as an “eye for an eye” and stoning adulterers (but don’t we teach forgiveness?), and we shouldn’t feed the homeless because “if a man doesn’t work, neither shall he eat” (but aren’t we supposed to be the heart and hands of Jesus?), and we shouldn’t give Christmas shoeboxes of goodies to prisoners’ children because “the sins of the father are visited on the children” (but isn’t the “kingdom of heaven made up of such as these”?)
My point is summed up in this verse: “For whoever keeps the whole law and yet stumbles at just one point is guilty of breaking all of it.” (James 2:10) In other words, if you feel bound by those five verses, then you must be bound by all.
If you truly believe that those five verses have been interpreted correctly and that “spare the rod, spoil the child” (Note: There is no verse in the Bible that says ”spare the rod, spoil the child.” That phrase is actually from a satirical poem called Hudibras by Samuel Butler first published in 1662.) refers to an actual physical rod (instead of a symbol of guidance and loving correction…i.e. discipleship) and that the word used for ‘child’ refers to a person under the age of eighteen (instead of the actual linguistic translation meaning ‘young man’), then so be it.
But do you really believe that Jesus’ New Covenant is for everyone except children? That grace, mercy, unconditional love, and forgiveness are for adults only?
The disciples made that mistake, and Jesus said to them, “Let the little children come to me, and do not hinder them, for the kingdom of God belongs to such as these.”
Related posts:
Practical, Gentle, Effective Discipline
“But we are our children’s first taste of God. Is it any wonder people have such a hard time understanding grace and mercy and unconditional love when they may not have been taught those things by their earthly parents and don’t exercise them with their own children?”
That is seriously profound. Thank you.
November 2, 2011 at 11:52 pm
How many children dead? STOP AMAZON SELLING THIS BOOK! – Amazon.com Customer Service PO Box 81226 Seattle, WA 98108-1226 http://yhoo.it/voQyTk
Please get this message out on your blog. It saddens me that people justify hitting a child by quoting the bible. If you have a difficult child, please seek help, do not resort to violence.
November 7, 2011 at 9:44 pm
You are referring to the Pearls books, of course. Awful misinterpretation of the Bible at the expense of innocent, helpless children
I am actively campaigning against the recommendations and pseudo-Biblical interpretations in those books and have shared on FB and Twitter about them and have also signed a petition to Amazon asking that they review the book and cease to sell it. It must break God’s heart to see His Word twisted in such a hurtful and cruel way.
November 7, 2011 at 9:55 pm
Pingback: There’s something so…magical…joyful…inviting…about bridges! Let’s build some! « Little Hearts/Gentle Parenting Resources
Pingback: » 30 Days of Thankfulness~Day 15~Jesus, The Gentle Parent Little Hearts/Gentle Parenting Resources
Pingback: » Gentle Discipline Resource Guide Little Hearts/Gentle Parenting Resources
Pingback: » 30 Days of Thankfulness~Day 21~Fruit! Little Hearts/Gentle Parenting Resources
Pingback: » Communication or Miscommunication? Little Hearts/Gentle Parenting Resources
Pingback: » Window on the World Little Hearts/Gentle Parenting Resources
Pingback: Spare the Rod: The Heart of the Matter | Why Not Train A Child?
Pingback: » Testing the Boundaries~What’s A Parent To Do? Little Hearts/Gentle Parenting Resources
Pingback: » Mommy Guilt~The Human Factor Little Hearts/Gentle Parenting Resources
Pingback: » Toddlers, Tantrums, and Time-Ins, Oh My! Little Hearts/Gentle Parenting Resources
Pingback: » The Power of The ‘No’ ~ Phenomenal Cosmic Power…Itty Bitty Living Space! Little Hearts/Gentle Parenting Resources
Pingback: » A Place to Rest~Becoming Your Child’s Safe Harbor Little Hearts/Gentle Parenting Resources
Pingback: » Baby Talk Little Hearts/Gentle Parenting Resources
Pingback: » Toddlers: Teens in the Making Little Hearts/Gentle Parenting Resources
Pingback: » The Power of an Apology Little Hearts/Gentle Parenting Resources
Pingback: » Character Counts! Little Hearts/Gentle Parenting Resources
Pingback: » Babes and Boundaries~A Gentle Parenting Perspective Little Hearts/Gentle Parenting Resources
Pingback: » Why ‘Superior’ is Subjective~Chinese Parents & French Parents Can’t BOTH Be Superior! Little Hearts/Gentle Parenting Resources
Pingback: » Playground Confessions~Look Who’s Talking! Little Hearts/Gentle Parenting Resources
Pingback: » Beautiful Old Souls Little Hearts/Gentle Parenting Resources
Pingback: » In the Best Interests of the Child Little Hearts/Gentle Parenting Resources
Pingback: » Eyes To See Little Hearts/Gentle Parenting Resources
Pingback: » The sWord and The sTone Little Hearts/Gentle Parenting Resources
Pingback: » Baby Led Weaning Little Hearts/Gentle Parenting Resources
Great article! Thank you for sharing. It follows my thoughts exactly:-) I just wanted to add this one little bit. The exact quote “spare the rod spoil the child” is not actually even in the Bible. It was written in a poem. There is some “rod” talk. However, that one is not in there. I looked it up a long time ago and was amazed to find it not even Biblical!!! I would also add that the rod was a guiding stick used by shephards and I am pretty certain they did not use those rods to hit the sheep. I think the rod or stick was used to fight off wolves if they attacked the herd. If they did hit the sheep with it then I would assume they wouldn’t have those sheep following them for long;-)
April 1, 2012 at 11:19 am
Agreed! Proverbs 13:24 comes the closest, “Whoever spares the rod hates their children, but the one who loves their children is careful to discipline them.” I deliberately avoided the exegesis and sidestepped the legalism to avert the typical debate that ensues when ‘talking Bible’ and focused on how grace is for all of us, including our children. That is the central issue, after all, the Gospel…undeserved grace for us and the Law satisfied by the only One who could satisfy it!
April 1, 2012 at 12:25 pm
Good insight. That’s how I’ve always seen it, as a guide not a rod you use t strike someone with. My husbands parents never used coropal punishment to discipline he or his brother. His father and mother were very intellegent people that used their brains to discipline their children so they didn’t have to use physical punishment. This is how we are raising our children who are now teens and are great kids.
February 2, 2013 at 6:35 pm
Pingback: » Why Whining is a Win! Little Hearts/Gentle Parenting Resources
Yes! Thank you so much for writing this. As a Christian I have always struggled with how Jesus and hitting children could coexist. Though in my heart I know they cannot, I did not have the command of scripture to prove it.
This is an important and wonderful piece.
April 30, 2012 at 10:56 am
Thank you, mama! Yes, I consider this my ‘mission statement’ in my parenting coaching for that very reason.
April 30, 2012 at 1:19 pm
Pingback: » Gentle Discipline Resource Guide Little Hearts/Gentle Parenting Resources
Pingback: My Parents Gave Me Wooden Spoons…Not for Cooking « I'm Working on It.
Pingback: » Better Children, Better World Little Hearts/Gentle Parenting Resources
Pingback: » The Trouble With Kids Today Little Hearts/Gentle Parenting Resources
Pingback: » You’re Not the Boss of Me! Little Hearts/Gentle Parenting Resources
Pingback: » Be an American Hero~Stop Spanking Little Hearts/Gentle Parenting Resources
Pingback: » Interact. Connect. Good Modeling of Our Relational World, Mama! Little Hearts/Gentle Parenting Resources
Pingback: » The Story of Us~25 Years and Counting! Little Hearts/Gentle Parenting Resources
Pingback: » Holy Communication, Batman! Little Hearts/Gentle Parenting Resources
Pingback: » 12 Tips for Gently Parenting Your Adult Children (Hint: It starts when they’re newborns!) Little Hearts/Gentle Parenting Resources
Pingback: » I Am Your Parent Little Hearts/Gentle Parenting Resources
I want to agree with this interpretation, I do. But I would love to hear how we as Christian parents can reconcile these concepts with the responsibility of teaching respect for authority, natural consequences, etc. Not that physically spanking a child is the only way to achieve those things, but are we to believe that any punishment is wrong? Any fear of consequence is wrong? How can I, as a Christian parent, become “the boss” in my childrens’ eyes? When they (my 2 and 3 year olds) are so bent on not listening, defiance, etc. I literally can’t speak to them during a time of conflict because they are “checked out” with anger or other reactionary behavior. What else gets their attention? I’m not trying to be contrary- I’m actually very desperate here.
August 1, 2012 at 1:28 pm
I hear you, mama. It’s not easy, by any means. We try so hard to do things ‘right’ and are always working to find the best ways to do that. The philosophy behind Gentle Parenting is actually focused on discipleship rather than punishment in the same way that the Gospel is focused on God rebuilding the relationship between His children and Himself by connecting, leading, sharing, interacting, understanding, teaching, with the Father taking the punishment for sin instead of His children, the ultimate connection point. Here are some links that offer alternatives to punishment-based parenting for you to take a look at, if you’d like: http://www.littleheartsbooks.com/2011/10/06/toddlers-tantrums-and-time-ins-oh-my/ http://www.littleheartsbooks.com/2012/06/03/the-trouble-with-kids-today/ http://www.littleheartsbooks.com/2012/04/23/in-cold-blood/ http://www.littleheartsbooks.com/2011/11/21/practical-gentle-discipline/ http://www.littleheartsbooks.com/2012/06/10/youre-not-the-boss-of-me/ Hope that helps, mama!
August 1, 2012 at 1:46 pm
Pingback: » In Cold Blood Little Hearts/Gentle Parenting Resources
Pingback: » Gentle, Practical, Effective Discipline Little Hearts/Gentle Parenting Resources
Pingback: » I Am Your Midnight Hug… Little Hearts/Gentle Parenting Resources
Pingback: » Blessings and Uh-Oh Jars Little Hearts/Gentle Parenting Resources
Pingback: I’m Coming Out
Pingback: » When Children Hit~10 Tips for Parents Little Hearts/Gentle Parenting Resources
Pingback: Childbirth Education | Doula Support | Allentown | Lehigh Valley | Baby Birthing | Knitted in the Womb » Punishment vs. Discipline in Parenting
Great piece! Just wanted to add that Jesus never once broke the Torah. Traveling on Sabbath and healing on the Sabbath are not Torah but Rabbical Oral Law. Laws he broke were traditions of men, not God’s. If he broke Torah, then he was not sinless (sin = transgression of Torah) and could not have been savior.
May 10, 2013 at 2:32 pm
Pingback: » Rethinking Tattling Little Hearts/Gentle Parenting Resources