Toddlers: Teens in the Making
Dear Daughter,
You entered your teen years with a bang a few years ago, and the explosions have been 
shattering our home ever since. I’ve begged, threatened, and bribed; cried, shouted, and bargained; but I just can’t find a way to reach you anymore. You constantly say I don’t listen to you, but how can I when you won’t talk to me? You say I don’t understand you, but how can I when you push me away? You say we aren’t a family, but then spend every day with earphones in your ears, blocking us out. You ask me why I hate you, then roll your eyes when I tell you I love you. How did it come to this? We used to be such a happy family. Please, let me be there for you during this huge transition in your life. Let’s really try to communicate with each other. I’m just lost here, honey, and I need you to reach out and help me reconnect with you. I love you.
Your Dad
Dear Dad,
Happy family? Are you kidding me? No, I guess not. You never did get it. Okay, you asked, so I’ll tell you. You were always happy because you were always in control. Want to know why I don’t talk to you now? Because you never listened when I was little. When I was scared in my room at night and called you, you either ignored me or threatened to spank me if I didn’t go to
sleep. I’d lay there, crying so hard I’d almost throw up, terrified of the sounds and shadows in my room, but even more terrified of you. So, sorry, but I don’t buy that you’re ‘there for me’ when it’s only ever been at your own convenience. When you were mad at something I’d done and I tried to explain myself, you’d call it backtalk and smack me in the mouth. So forgive me if I don’t really believe you when you say you want to ‘communicate’ with me now. When I’d try to show you a dance I’d made up or tell you about how someone had pushed me on the playground, you couldn’t even be bothered to look away from your stupid computer while I was talking, so if I’m wrapped up in my electronics, I learned that little trick from you, father dear. Oh, and ‘reconnect’? Really? That implies that we were once connected. But when I was a little girl and invited you into my world and asked you to play with me, you were always too busy. So if you don’t understand me, sorry, but that invitation expired years ago. Want to know why I think you hate me? Because your actions told me so. Your ‘love’ is just words.
‘Your’ Daughter
Parents, you’re building your relationship with your teens while they’re still toddlers. Listen always. Respond gently, quickly, empathetically. Laugh and smile and hug and play. Give them your undivided attention. When they invite you into their world, it’s a huge deal to them, and how you respond will set the tone for your future relationship. Accept and enjoy! This season of their lives is as short as they are, but its impact will last a lifetime.
Related posts:
Tots to Teens~Communication Through the Ages and Stages.
Toddlers, Tantrums, and Time-Ins, Oh My!
WOW… what a powerful piece. Very powerful, and very real. Thank you
January 20, 2012 at 9:08 pm
Thank you! I appreciate the feedback tremendously
January 20, 2012 at 9:18 pm
So much truth in this. Thanks for the reminder.
January 22, 2012 at 12:42 am
Thanks, mama!
January 22, 2012 at 11:17 am
As the mother of a preschooler, this touched me deeply. Thanks for posting it.
January 22, 2012 at 2:17 pm
You’re welcome!
January 22, 2012 at 2:24 pm
Thank you for your post. A very confronting reminder of the little things that we can do to make a HUGE difference…
January 22, 2012 at 7:15 pm
Thank you, mama! I have children in every age group, so I know what a challenge it is to be ‘on’ all the time when our children are small. But I also know the results of an early connected relationship, and it is soooo well worth the effort!
January 22, 2012 at 7:22 pm
That piece has really hit home with me. I love my parents dearly but I have a very difficult relationship with them. Despite being nearly 40 and having a toddler of my own, I still am treated like a teenager and I find it really hard to ask for support from them, as when I do I don’t get it. It drives my husband mad.
So with our daughter, who is 20 months, we’ve tried to be different. We play with her, interact with her, try and see things from her point of view. We explain when we’re upset or angry and tell her why, and why we’re not mad at her. If one of us is reaching the end of our tether, we swap. We explain when we feel she can’t do something than just saying no. She may not understand everything we say just yet, but she understands a lot more than we think.
My best friend phoned the other day and was in tears. My daughter was pestering to have the phone on loud speaker, and when she heard my friend’s voice she started hugging and kissing the phone! I suffer from depression and am having a rough time at the moment. I try not to cry in front of her, but when I do, I explain. She often comes up and pats my face, or brings me tissues( She’s even held a tissue for me to blow my nose!). We have an amazinglty epathic daughter especially for one so young. I hope we carry on listening to her and being part of her world for a long time to come, especially as I don’t want her to end up with the problems I had.
January 23, 2012 at 7:42 am
((Hug)) I’m so sorry you’re struggling, but what a beautiful heart you’re growing in your little one by letting her into your world. Children perceive our hurts, anger, worry, etc. even when we try to hide them, and they often feel at fault or just worry their little hearts over it. When we include them (like letting her hold your tissue, so sweet) they actually feel relieved because they can ‘help’ and they also learn empathy. It can, of course, be taken too far if a parent unloads all their angst on a child and uses their child in place of an adult friend, but that’s an extreme case. On a side note, have you had your vitamin D levels checked? Vitamin D deficiency has been linked to depression. Just a thought! Praying things get better for you, mama.
January 23, 2012 at 11:47 am
This piece is essential because it shows how people mis-communicate when they act off of assumptions. This also shows what an incredible difference we can make when we are honest. The dad was honest with his bewilderment and the daughter was honest with her interpretation of her childhood. When we are honest in observation instead of judgmental, then we open the way to genuine communication. Do you follow Nonviolent Communication? It fits great with this! Pieces like this change the world- KEEP IT GOING, WE NEED YOU! Thank you so much! – Cyi
January 26, 2012 at 7:34 pm
Agreed! Communication is only effective when it’s based on honesty. Thank you for your input!
January 26, 2012 at 7:49 pm
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I am just curious if this is a real letter or if it was written by you for educational purposes? Either way it is brilliant and moving. Thank you.
January 28, 2012 at 9:12 am
This is for illustrative purposes. Angry teens generally feel overwhelmed by their emotions and, though they tend to have a deep need to ‘blame’ their parent(s), they don’t know why or have the ability to articulate what they’re really feeling. Obviously not all adolescent angst is the result of early childhood experiences, but this piece is intended to illustrate how important our early interactions and connections are with our children. I’m glad you enjoyed it!
January 28, 2012 at 1:23 pm
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In love with this! So perfect. I try to listen to my 8 month old in the way my parents didn’t listen to me. Here’s praying that she and I will be close at 34 in the way my mother and I are not.
February 20, 2012 at 10:36 pm
I’m glad you enjoyed it! Having a wonderful relationship with our adult children isn’t often something we think about when they’re little, but in a very real way we’re raising our own life-long friends (or, sadly, not).
February 21, 2012 at 12:05 am
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Wow. Thank you. So thankful to have read this. Renews my confidence in my parenting style. Hard when your parents did so differently as do most of your siblings.Thank you
June 4, 2012 at 1:29 am
That hit me right at the heart. I never thought of it that way with my two-year-old little girl. Thank you for opening my eyes (and heart). I am so glad I found your site!
June 9, 2012 at 7:32 pm
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This made me cry! I like to think of myself as a good mom, but a couple of these things (like being too busy at times to watch a new dance) really made me think about my actions and how she may perceive them.. Thank you!
March 24, 2013 at 3:19 am