Why Whining is a Win!

[From Messages in a Bottle: Communication Through the Ages and Stages by L.R.Knost available June 2013; Two Thousand Kisses a Day: Gentle Parenting Through the Ages and Stages by L.R.Knost now available on Amazon.]

It’s seven o’clock and you’re finishing up the dishes before starting bedtime baths. And then it starts…the whining…every. single. night. Your four-year-old knows the routine. She knows you are going to read her favorite bedtime book. She knows you will let her choose which pajamas to wear. She knows she does have to brush her teeth. But that doesn’t stop her from standing in the kitchen night after night whining about the same things. So what’s the deal? Short-term memory loss? An innate desire to drive you crazy? A disorder of the vocal cords that makes using a normal voice impossible after the sun sets and every time she doesn’t get her way all. day. long?!?

Here’s a shocker for you: Whining is actually a sign of maturity! Yep, that unnerving, endless, nails-on-a-chalkboard, make-your-head-explode whine is a sign that your little one is growing up and, get this, gaining self-control! I can see your heads shaking, but read on, parents, caregivers, and bleeding ears of the world, read on.

Whining, believe it or not, is an advanced skill. Babies come into the world with exactly one form of communication~crying. Every need, every discomfort, every bit of loneliness or anxiety or frustration or stress has to be communicated through that one single venue. Over time as babies grow into toddlers, they begin to learn new ways to communicate, pointing, grunting, picking up a few words here and there, and they move into a more interactive stage wherein they make attempts to communicate in these new ways, but fall back very quickly into crying if they aren’t understood and responded to quickly.

As time goes on, toddlerhood gives way to the preschool years and language skills advance, becoming the main source of communication for a little one. But even so, their grasp of language is limited and their prefrontal cortexes (center of forethought/prethinking skills) are underdeveloped. This leads to a rather dichotomous situation in which they know what they want to say, but often can’t quite put the words together quickly or clearly enough for us oh-so-impatient adults.

As they work to communicate, their frustration levels rise and stress hormones sap the blood flow from those underdeveloped ‘thinking’ portions of their brains and, just when they need the use of language the most, they begin to lose the ability to articulate their needs. As toddlers, they would fall quickly back into crying at this point, but as preschoolers, their more advanced self-control helps them to avoid immediately dissolving into tears and, instead, they fall into the ‘middle-ground’ of whining.

Whining is, in fact, just an advanced form of crying and, as such, is just as grating on the nerves as crying because it is designed to get the attention of a caregiver. The difference is actually in our attitudes toward whining. We accept crying as a normal part of baby and toddlerhood, but label the whining of a preschooler ‘bratty’ and ‘spoiled’ and refuse to listen to them until they ‘use their normal voice’…just when they need us to listen the most!

If we, the adults, would adjust our mindsets to accept the normalcy of whining, it would lose a bit of its power to annoy and enable us to respond empathetically to our children when they’re mustering all their newly-developed coping skills to avoid a meltdown.

So, what can we do when our little ones lapse into ‘whine-eze’ and we feel like tearing our hair out? Well, as always, an ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure! Pay attention to the times of day whining seems to occur regularly and watch for triggers such as hunger, missed naps, over-hurried schedules, etc. and make what adjustments you can to prevent the whining before it starts next time.

If all else fails and the whining does commence, remember that your little one is struggling to communicate in that moment. Respond by slowing down, sitting with them or kneeling down in front of them, and giving them your full attention. Use a quiet, soothing tone to reassure them, and listen patiently all the way through as they work their way back through the frustration and find the words to express themselves. You may not be able to give them the toy or snack or whatever else it is they want at that moment, but giving them the chance to be heard is often enough to forestall an all-out meltdown.

More than anything, though, giving your little ones the gift of your time and attention when they need it most (and often deserve it least!) will help foster that all-important connection that provides the basis for gentle guidance and boundary-setting. And, as an added bonus, children who feel heard tend to outgrow the whining stage much earlier than children who feel like they have to fight to be heard!

One effective tool for use in helping little ones cope with big emotions is a Calm-Me-Jar. Toddlers, Tantrums, and Time-Ins, Oh My!

We’ve added a Dr Seuss Quiet Bag to our Parenting in Public: Toddler Time page, and we’re working on a Dr Seuss Quiet Book, too!

The most challenging, independent children tend to be the ones who need the most intentional parental reconnection. Strong will=Strong need! Testing the Boundaries~What’s A Parent To Do?

Rethinking Tattling

Tots to Teens~Communication through the Ages and Stages

Your Baby isn’t Trying to Annoy You; He’s Trying to Communicate!

Spare the Rod: The Heart of the Matter

Jesus~The Gentle Parent

Confession and A Challenge

Babes and Boundaries~A Gentle Parenting Perspective

Pinky or The Brain?

Mórrígan

Thanks so much for posting!!

April 3, 2012 at 7:38 pm

Nancy

Thank you for posting this! I’ve thought exactly this for so long, but have never come across anyone who seemed to agree. My babies aren’t to the whining stage yet, but I love to sit down and just listen when they are desperately trying to communicate. I hope that I can continue this when the whining begins.

April 4, 2012 at 2:02 am

L.R. Knost

You’re welcome! You might be surprised at how little whining your children end up doing overall since you’re setting the stage for them to already feel heard. They don’t feel the need to resort to fighting for attention as much when they’re already getting attention!

April 4, 2012 at 1:25 pm

nev

Just what I needed. My 19 months old doesn’t speak yet but can get really whiney and whingey. It’s doing my head inand I already don’t have much patience so I easily snap at her to stop whineing I feel really bad when I do.

I know that this is how she communicates but sometimes it is just so annoying and often I just want her to be happy to be consoled/get attention from her Papa. Why always me? Anyhoo…thank you for this .
Nev

April 4, 2012 at 7:03 am

L.R. Knost

I hear you, mama! Little ones tend to cling harder when they feel like we’re pushing them away, and that could be what you’re experiencing with your toddler. One thing you can do is look at why whining is such a trigger for you. Often our strong reactions have very little to do with our children and a lot to do with our own feelings of being overwhelmed or feeling unappreciated or even feelings left over from childhood of not feeling heard and understood ourselves. Working through our own triggers as well as having an understanding of what is normal in our children is helpful in crafting a gentle response and deciding how to guide our little ones.

April 4, 2012 at 1:34 pm

Libby Hill

I love this, can I use it on my blog about communication please?

April 4, 2012 at 12:45 pm

L.R. Knost

Certainly! For reposts a linkback to this site is appreciated If you want a more formal guest post, email me at littleheartsbooks@live.com and I’ll provide you with the article, linkback, and an author bio and image. Thank you!

April 4, 2012 at 2:22 pm

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suzy

If my kids have sugar, tv or gluten I hear whining half an hour later. My guess is that if you’re hearing whining at 7pm you’ve probably had dessert or fruit after dinner or fruit juice. Tiredness is a factor too, but it’s rare that I come across anyone who has twigged as to how much of an overload for a small body those things are. It gets the brain into a hyperactive state and hyperactivity wants to feed itself and if it can’t, it drops *bam* into hypoactivity. I feel it too if I have too much cake or something.

April 5, 2012 at 12:09 am

Jamie

Wonderful, so lucky to have resources like these.

April 5, 2012 at 12:25 am

Esther

Great post!!!

April 5, 2012 at 10:20 am

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T Rodriguez

Good info.
I used to remind them not to whine and then roll model how to say it a regular tone. So when they said “Moooommmeeeeeee.” I’d say “say Ma-me” in a really upbeat tone. They usually got it on one try but sometimes it took a couple, especially in the beginning. There were full sentences that had to be re-stated in the beginning, too. As they got older, just a quick reminder with “Ma-me”.

April 13, 2012 at 8:40 am

teresa peters

I can’t tell you how much I needed to read this! For some reason I have a judgement about whining and I wanted to nip it in the bud. I will take the time to allow the whine to talk and see what’s going on in there.
Thank you!!

April 14, 2012 at 2:19 pm

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Dewi

Your post relates to preschool aged children, but what about a child who is 9 years old? Every transition includes whining and whining. Every frustration moment. Every bedtime, etc.
I try to help her calm down and ask her to speak what is really on her mind and we can discuss options, etc. Am I doing wrong? Do I need to continue to be patient and listen through the whining?? Is this a different situation because she is older?

June 30, 2012 at 1:29 am

L.R. Knost

I don’t know your child, mama, but it sounds like you know her well and are doing your best to meet her needs and listen to her, despite the undeniable irritation that whining causes. There are several things to consider: Is she whining at the same time every day? Can you identify triggers (hunger, tiredness, too much stimulation, nervousness, etc)? Is she resisting guidance/household rules when she whines or is she just about to ‘lose it’ and barely holding on to her ability to communicate? Looking for the need underlying the behavior is always key. It could be that she is just a sensitive little soul who gets overwhelmed by all the demands of growing up and school and social interaction, etc. If that is the case, then continuing to listen and be her ‘safe place’ to fall apart is the most beautiful gift you can give her and will ultimately give her the inner strength she needs to cope with the world without falling apart. (Check out the chart at the end of http://www.littleheartsbooks.com/2012/04/18/chatterboxes-and-dreamersmiddle-childhood/ if you think you might have a sensitive little girl who needs a bit of extra care.) But it might simply be that she is still on the early end of the middle childhood stage and will outgrow the whining naturally as long as it doesn’t become a power struggle. In that case, continuing to listen and, after she has expressed herself, gently reminding her to work on using a normal voice to communicate will help her to move past that stage when she is ready. Some nine-year-olds are ready to move into the tween years (which brings it’s own challenges because they are still soooo young!) while some are still solidly in the earlier stages of childhood and will grow and mature at their own, perfectly normal, pace.

June 30, 2012 at 7:45 pm